So it all began where the last left off.
Tet and Castiel were riding north to Hobbit Hills from Marsheville when they came across a cart by the side of the road, surrounded by a dozen dead wolves.
Three dead dwarves lay inside and one dwarf, drenched in blood and hammer in hand, slept against the side (our guest player Joseph).
They adopted the dwarf into their party and, passing a patrol of Marsheville guards, returned to the hobbit town.
Arriving, they concluded that one of the foremost uses for their new companion was his ability to translate a Dwarven text from the library on the subject of explosives.
And a plan was formed.
During their previous encounter with the Elven Outcasts, they were given a scrying which revealed the location of the items the PCs lost back in the attack on the fort. Now the players shave Locke (the only one left alive still wanted for that attack) to disguise him and head into town.
First the alchemist's shop for explosive supplies. The hunched and drug-crazed old man assembles that materials requested, but finding prices too high and intimidation ineffective, Locke smashes the man's skull against his counter. They set the body half under a heavy dresser to make it appear an accident, then set the shop on fire and leave quickly. Back at the inn the barkeep asks about the bloodstains, explained away with something about a street performance and a bit of a scrape.
The dwarf mixes explosives for four bombs while the rest scout out the barracks where their items are being held as evidence. They set up a street performance, tell some jokes, are moderately liked by the public, and are asked to move by the guards who need to run back and forth to the burning building in the adjacent district. They try and fail to pickpocket keys off the guard captain. The cleric gets hooked on gambling with some tavern drunkards.
A night at the inn.
And the next morning some guards are talking to the barkeep. Tet leaves to survey the prison for an alternate plan. The rest have a brief encounter with some guards which might have been alright had not one guard decided that Locke's +1 morning star was worth trying to take. Cleric casts silence, the two guards are quietly dispatched. After a few minutes the innkeeper/barkeep comes up to investigate and is likewise killed, then the three drunks downstairs who may have otherwise remembered their faces.
The tavern/inn is promptly doused in alcohol and lit. The players escape into an alley.
Recovering Tet, the players abandon a plan to release prisoners and instead find empty streets to start a couple fires with Molotovs, then stealthily set a bomb by the Grand Courthouse, set off, and dressed as guards, make their was through the confusion of real guards scurrying about to douse fires and slip into the alley behind the barracks.
Shape Stone to open a hole to crawl through into the armory with the evidence cell, Silence and then a bomb to blow open the bars to the cell where their items are kept in a chest. The guard captain feels the explosion, enters. Hold Person, and heavy bludgeoning under Silence until death. They take his armor, some guard armor, and what old equipment of theirs has not been damaged by the explosion, and hurry to the gate.
Some guards try to stop them, but a Darkness spell sends the mob into chaos and they escape in a stampede of humanity, heading back to the Hobbit Hills.
Finally safe, the players heal and rest. Castiel and Tet decide to test the potions they took from the alchemist's shop. Tet drinks, with the cumulative effects (from the Table of 100 Magical Effects that I will post later) that:
Tet now grows 8 psychedelic mushrooms from his skin (which grow every 4 days)
Has 2" claw fingernails for +1 unarmed
Is perfectly double-jointed
Can talk to dogs
And has red skin
And then he got turned into a table, and it just gets stranger from there.
Because the first conclusion one comes to when one's friend has been turned into a red, square, wooden table with little mushroom stumps is:
(Castiel:) "Locke, you're the only one who can do this, and it may be the only chance we get. Tet is a table and you need to have sex on him."
Obviously, agreement is unanimous.
Locke runs down the road to Nymphadora, the player-named mute-by-curse nymph the players rescued who has been adopted as a household helper by Alvaro and Emily (Only surviving Hobbit from fort attack and the Hobbit Ienzo knocked up at a crazy party the night before he died.). "Nymphadora, Tet has turned into a red mushroom table and this may be the only chance we'll get, do you want to have sex with me?" And he picks up the d20 for a Charisma check. Everyone laughs and I decide to go with it, saying "okay, well, there's no way that could work on anything less than a nat20"
There is much shouting and praying to Gods of Dice, and then everyone falls on the the floor. Laughing. Because Martin has just rolled a perfect, natural 20.
So Nymphadora kisses his and they go back and it turns out she was in love with him all along and so they have sex on their friend Tet the monk who is a table. And then they go out and spend the afternoon together and romantic nonsense. At midnight Tet the red doublejointed dog-talking clawed mushroom-man monk who used to be a table turns back, smelling of lunch fish and sex and is only mildly offended because everyone is still in crit-shock and awe of the absurdity of the thing.
There is talk of Locke's marrying Nymphadora and babies and playing as their children if everyone dies but those are things for another time.